If I die young, bury me in Talbots...a note to my sister....

I know its morbid, and weird, but there are just certain necessities I think about when I'm out and about....And what kind of Southern Belle would I be if I didn't plan for every possible contingency?

Sissy,
You know I plan to live a very long time. Genetics is certainly on the side of longevity in our family. However, I don't want you to be overwhelmed by the details should the unthinkable happen....


1. Because I have almost successfully rectified the Peanut Butter Fudge Debacle of 2009, we are now once again the same size. For the funeral, put me in my black Talbots dress. It won't zip all the way up, but the zipper is in the back so it won't matter. Just please, make sure the size 4 tag peaks out from the top. Don't let mom tuck it in. As soon as the service is over, you can have the dress. And the others in my closet.

2. Nothing less than the red peep toe heels. I may be cold, but I can still rock the heel. My tan is okay right now on my legs, but you might have to touch up my upper arms. Don't let me look streaky.
3. Fake pearls. The attorney knows what to do with the real ones.
4. You know I'm serious about my eyeliner. Get my market buddy to help you. She's had to do my makeup plenty of times when I was sick from a migraine. No trailer park hair. If the two of you are too upset to do it right, put me in my tortise shell Jackie O sunglasses.
5. No tacky flowers. Seriously.
6. Mom's going to freak when she sees my fridge. Spare her what you can.
7. The box in the back of my closet....destroy it....
8. The journals in the nightstand drawer....keep them...should anyone (esp. the Froot Loops) try to publish anything, all you need for blackmail is in there. Do what you have to in order to prevent the bismirchment of the family name.
9. There have been those that have told me over the years that should the opportunity ever appear, they would avenge my misfortunes. There is a bank account to pay their court fees should that happen. Use what you need.
10. Regardless of what people may think, I have very few regrets. I have lived and loved. Don't let anyone pity me. I am happier now than I have been in a long time. Make sure the Bs find love. Don't let them be scared.
11. Exception: The Fiasco of '07. (Which led to the Debacle of '09.) My shining moment of stupidity. Should any of my Bs try to repeat the mistakes of their mother, I have made arrangements with a convent in the Dominican Republic. Their passports and a one-way ticket are in the safe deposit box. I've already filled out the paperwork.
12. Make sure Brittany gets gravy on a regular basis. Breanna likes Trailer Park Danishes, and Brookie needs meat cooked on the grill. Have coffee with Dad, and take Mom to look at fabric.
13. Don't waste the fact that so many think we look alike. Haunt those that need to be haunted. Let Brian get creative. Make videos, tape recordings, whatever. Don't disappoint me. Or I will haunt you.
14. Tipper is buried to the left of the front porch. If you sell the house, dig her up and take her with you. I mean it.
15. I expect some good music at the funeral. Hey Baby for starters. Throw in some Roger M, and wrap it up with how every rose has a thorn or two. Mix it up with some Amazing Grace and talk about the Rugged Cross...make sure everybody knows who Jesus is. And that I'm with Him.