Be forewarned....

 I do not need any additional insurance. I, as well as my children, are covered out the wazoo. I am very happy with my credit card machine, and need no wrapping paper for this joyous holiday season. We have enough toilet paper to last us thru 24 stomach bugs, and incidently, I do not suffer from either corns or bunions. So, really, I don't need your American Podiatric Medicine endorsed medicated orthotic foot pads. (I actually have a podiatrist that I love and he even takes my insurance, so should the need arise, I'll visit him promptly).

I am not interested in providing teddy bears for our State Troopers to cuddle. I make regular donations to our boys in blue as I travel the highways. If they want to spend some of that money on cuddlies, they have my blessing. I don't need 12,000 pens with my store name imprinted on them. I spent $3 gazillion on permits, signs, business cards, etc. If my customers need to know to whom they should make out their check, I'll direct them to the appropriate place. I also do not need a 16x20 laminated sign for my restroom with instructions on how to properly wash my hands. My mother covered that when I was two.

I have no need for a 5 gallon bottle of Mother Earth Love Your Body miracle tonic. Yes, I know that just one tablespoon a day will make my hair shiny, skin glow, provide 324 essential vitamins and minerals, and increase my brain function by 212%. True, it will also serve as a drain cleaner, floor waxer, and cure my pooch's mange, but I am just going to opt to live vicariously and take my chances.

You can tell me charming, witty antidotes, threaten to hold my dog hostage, or have the Federal Credit Collection Agency on speed dial, but I still am not going to give you my checking account number, verify my social security number, or disclose my children's blood type over the phone. I survived an alcoholic, abusive marriage. You really don't scare me.

I am really content with the brick that is on both my store and my home. Crazy as it may sound, I do not want to replace it with poly resin, fiber optic, UV-tested siding. I do not have a chimney, so I don't need it swept. I realize that North Korea has the longitudinal cooridnates of my home programmed into a nuclear missle, but me and Jesus are on a first name basis, so I'll pass on the underground bomb shelter. See you on the other side. No, thank you. My Bible covers everything I need. I realize that your bible has an additional 63 books that you think I may need, but like I said. I like to live vicariously.

Yes, I am a Southern Belle. My words alone can sweeten gallons of tea. But be forewarned, if you push me, or insist on putting your supervisor on the phone so he can persuade me to purchase whatever you are selling....there is an iron fist inside the white kid leather glove. My sister and I keep a running tally of how many grown men we make cry...I am an over-worked, sleep-deprived, Type A, single mother of tweens, who is working retail during the holidays....so go ahead, be the one who pushes me over the edge...I just hope you ate your Wheaties this morning...